Song: All I needed was the love you gave. All I needed for another day. And all I ever knew, only you

I just came back from watching Spiderman! What a fun movie! Toby Maguire was really cute and hot (nice and rare combination btw)! His mouth is so yummy looking. I sometimes have a thing for unconventionally good looking guys. I think he'll be my latest crush. *grin*

Well I had an interesting Friday night! Jen and I went back to Applebee's after church last night. I say back because we were there right after work for our usual Friday after work drink. Nino, this kid at work who likes her, stopped by with his cousin. Nino's ok but when he drinks, he gets sleazy. He can't handle his liqour. I don't know why but there's just something about him that I don't like. Not that I dislike him but there's just something there that keeps me from liking him. Or maybe I'm just being protective of Jen. So anyways he stopped by and they hung out with us for a while. I think Nino is now scared of me. Not necessarily scared but I did make it clear that I won't take any shit from him, especially in regards to Jen. I don't trust him, that's what I think it is.

Anyways we were there until closing and Jen and I decided to hang out with the bartenders, Fernando (Kissy Face) and Joe (Assman). The 4 of us went to some other bar/club right across the street. I was talking to Fernando and Jen was talking to Joe. Turns out Fernando has more than a bit of a crush on me. He kept telling me that I'm so beautiful and that he likes me and blah blah blah. And basically trying to sell himself to me. The whole, "I'm a stable guy, I make decent money (bartending is not his only job)..." All that stuff. I had to laugh. It's interesting though what he said. He said, "You're so beautiful and amazing but you're a real pain in the ass" This is different, I thought. Guys usually don't call you a pain in the ass when they are trying to win you over. Turns out that he thinks I'm a pain in the ass because I'm so brutally honest, don't have feelings for him and that basically drives him crazy. And I was right. He DOES see me as a challenge. That just interests him more!

This is all flattering, I do admit, but why can't he just think of me platonically? Or at least, if he's interested, just not be THAT interested? I refuse to go through another lovestruck guy thing! Did I mention that not only is he also a bartender but his middle name is Chris! Argh, the Chris Curse returns! I am afraid to let guys fall for me. I don't think it's only because I have a hard time getting rid of them but I'm not sure what it is. I'm actually sitting here wondering what it is and I really can't come up with anything. But I know there is a deeper side to this. I have no fear of falling for them in turn, that's not it at all. Maybe I don't like their persistence after I've said no. Near groveling lowers them in my eyes. I don't like to see people like that. It makes me uncomfortable.

God, I just re-read this and I sound so arrogant! I don't mean to come off like some pompous bitch who has guys falling at her feet 24/7. I can just picture myself flipping my hair, rolling my eyes and saying with a big sigh, "It's just SO hard to get rid of all these guys!" Hahah! I guess I'm not really explaining myself clearly here. I know there is some kind of underlying fear of letting guys fall for me. Am I afraid to hurt them? No not really, I'm much too cold hearted for that. Is it because their persistence is a bother to me? Yea it is but only slightly. I really can't figure it out. I guess I've just been tramautized by guys who claimed to be in love with me and then got all weird on me. So my thinking is, ok if they fall for me they will stalk me, grovel or go psycho. On the other hand, I kinda miss being in a relationship. Haha I'm just a big ass contradiction.

Yvonne says she feels bad for the guys that fall for me. I now understand why. Noone should be so unlucky as to fall for someone who is incapable of returning that feeling. I always feel like telling guys not to go for me, that I'm just bad for them. But that sounds like such a line and there are those idiots who like a challenge and will only try harder. I just need to find someone as emotionally detached as me. Someone who won't allow themselves to fall or get hurt. Someone who can have fun and not get attached. That way I won't have a problem walking away from them.

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